I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
