If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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