sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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