my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
