sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
