So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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