I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
