so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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