He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
ttyl tear gas
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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