dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
