I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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