Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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