best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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