I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I AM VODKA MAN
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
