I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
