I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
