tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
