the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
