i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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