Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He felt like a one man threesome
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my poor anus
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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