Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
