I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
