I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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