He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize