Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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