Someone shit on the floor
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
