i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
