Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
