The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
