i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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