While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
