Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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