There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
