The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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