I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
