On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
