I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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