Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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