I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize