Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
