Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Edward fifth and chaser hands
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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