Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
