glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
