She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
