i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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