Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
