this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
