why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Randomize
