So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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