Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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