How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
