I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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