My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
