Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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