You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
