i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
