Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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