I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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