Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize